Are you Having (Emotionally) Safe Sex?

intimacy

You know what safe sex is, right? 

No glove = No love. 

Well, it might not be that simple.

Yes, throwing on a condom is likely to protect us from  falling pregnant or contracting STD’s, but what it won’t protect us from are the less tangible dangers of sex. Yep. the ones that we aren’t warned about in school or by our parents. The ones that don’t seem to warrant a mention in sex ed campaigns or in the media.  The ones that although subtle, still carry very harmful effects.

I’m talkin’ of the emotional kind.

So despite how safe you you think you may be each time you jump between the sheets, I’d like you to think again.


What is emotionally safe sex?

Well, first let’s define what emotionally unsafe sex is. It…

  • Leaves you feeling guilty, used and depressed,
  • Occurs when you’re afraid to voice your desires/ feelings, and
  • Is motivated by a sense of lack/ neediness  ( To fill the emptiness or “achieve”) or obligation ( “Its what he expects from me”)

In a society where women so often equate their sex life (or relationship status) with their self-worth – this kind of sex is rampant. As a 20-something, I see it all around me (and have experienced my fair share of these types of encounters myself).

We are under the illusion that any sense of emptiness or lack we may feel can be “filled in” by something external to us, say like… that gorgeous 6ft+ man over by the bar.  We convince ourselves that if only he moseyed on over, bought us a drink then whisked us away to night of (insert favourite sexual fantasy here), we would be happy, that that aforementioned emptiness would cease to exist.

But if you think sex is your gateway to feeling LOVE and/or FULFILMENT…think again!

I know (from experience), no matter how good-looking the guy, that this kind of mind-set only leaves one feeling icky. This is sex motivated by expectation.  This is sex born out of lack. This is sex driven completely by the ego.

And it’s freaking dangerous! 

So if you’re partaking in any form of sex that has you feeling less than fantastic, if you’re having it in order to “get” a certain something or to boost your self-esteem (And I ask you to get pretty damn honest with yourself her!)….well guess what? You’re going in UNPROTECTED!

SIDE NOTE: This isn’t restricted to those ladies dabbling in one-night stands. Unprotected sex can occur in relationships too. If we aren’t expressing our desires completely, if we are having sex out of obligation and not inspiration or if we are using it as a tool to get more of what we want – this is all unprotected.

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So, what is emotionally safe sex? 

Emotionally safe sex is that with a partner you feel comfortable with, done within an environment in which you feel inspired to express yourself openly, honestly and authentically. 

It is sex that does not lead to guilt.

It is sex of the body, not the mind.

It is sex not motivated by neediness or expectation (eg. If I sleep with him NOW, he’ll fall in love with me and we’ll be together forever!).

It is sex which intensifies a bond between two (or more) people.

It is sex founded on inspiration not obligation.

It is sex with one mutually exclusive goal –  to feel good. 

But even beyond all this, it is sex that is sacred. Much like any other spiritual practice, this kind of sex holds the ability to bring us closer to Source, gifting us a beautiful opportunity to taste our own Divinity.

Yep, this sex is the sex you wanna be having! 


How to have emotionally safe sex

Now, like I said, not all my sexual encounters have been safe. In fact, more often than not I’ve held back, I’ve stifled my desires, I’ve not been spurred by inspiration. But on the times where I have…it’s been incredible!

So, now I’m committing to having MORE emotionally safe sex.

And because I wish you to do the same, here are a few tips on how you can protect yourself in the bedroom.

1. Speak up 

This is the part I find most difficult! In a society where we as women have, for a very long time, been conditioned to suppress our sexual desires, it’s no surprise so many of us find this incredibly uncomfortable. Rarely do we find ourselves even able to verbalise our desires when asked, let alone initiate sex talk.

But whether it be with a one-night stand-er or a long term lover, communication is incredibly important. Being open about what you wish to get out of the experience ensures your are emotionally protected and are having your desires met. It’ll get you out of your head and into your body. It’ll allow you to surrender to the moment and actually experience all there is to experience.

Also,  according to the Law of Attraction the clearer and more expressive we are about what we want the more likely we are to actually experience it. So getting clear on what you desire will only lead you to better, more mind-blowing sex.

2. Ease off the booze 

When we are intoxicated we lose connection with our Truth. We forget that we are indeed whole and that everything we desire lies within us. And when we forget this truth we are very quick to fall into the trap of believing only things external to us (like that gorgeous 6ft+ beauty at the bar) can fill us up.

So, my lovely little party girl, watch what you drink. Instead of 4 tequila shots, maybe tone it back to one. Instead of that entire bottle of wine, maybe just make it a glass or two. We wouldn’t want you forgetting that everything you desire comes from within, would we? 

3. Respect yo’ self 

When you know your true worth you cease seeking to be fulfilled, whether that be through sex, drugs, TV, food or your relationships. When you have a deep-seated respect for yourself, you know (right on down to your pinky toe) that you are already full. You know that you have access to all that your desire within. And you know that anything outside of this is simply there to enrich your life, not to MAKE it.

So, cultivate more self-love in your life and you won’t ever have to fear morphing into the crazy girl who’s oh-so-desperate to be laid. 

4. Only do “it” if it feels good 

Don’t have sex for attention, or to capture a potential partner. Don’t have sex to impress or because you think it’s expected. Only have sex if you feel inspired to. Only have sex if it feels good. Doing this will guarantee emotionally safe sex. Every. Single. Time.


Now go forth and have great sex. But remember…

Stay protected! 

Big Love Meg x

7 Comments to “Are you Having (Emotionally) Safe Sex?”

  1. Karla says:

    Well this post caught me by surprise in a VERY good way! I’m so glad you wrote a post on this! I’m all about open communication and stating what you truly want in the bedroom. We’ve got to be honest without the fear we will lose something or the other person will freak out. Sometimes you’ve got to hear what they want to say too even if it’s something we might not like. Work it out then enjoy some healthy SEX! x

  2. Kristen says:

    Loooove this! Made me giggle to hehe.

    Brilliant post, so needed.

    Hmmmm inspired sex. I like that.

  3. Oh my lord. What a post – you make so many great points. I totally agree with everything you say but would love to hear your thoughts on something Meg. Hopefully there are other women out there who would benefit from hearing your response …

    I’ve been single for nearly twelve months and though I totally agree with you about the importance of having emotionally safe sex (which I cannot wait to re-enter my life!), a girl also has needs. I’m not talking about unhealthy needs, but rather, needs of a sexual nature. Yes a woman can pleasure herself but I believe it’s human nature to enjoy and even long for human touch. What’s a lady to do when she doesn’t want to have emotionally unsafe sex but she does want to have sex?! Haha.

    Thoughts?

    Thanks for such a riveting piece love! X

  4. Jessica Kali says:

    Oh Meg, I absolutely love this piece! It totally hit’s the nail on the head, and I have definitely been guilty of practicing emotionally unsafe sex a lot. I’m only just becoming aware of it, and feel that it definitely isn’t talked about and discussed enough. Thanks for bringing light to it today xx

  5. Tess says:

    Amen Sista!

    What a well written post and important message for all young people out there
    Wish I had known and read this in my early 20’s! hehe makes me giggle too looking back

    Love your work Meg!
    PS YES to inspired and emotionally safe SEX!
    Xo

  6. Fabulous post Meg. I agree 100%. It’s so good to see young women out there talking about this stuff. It is very much needed. Keep it up x x

  7. Wow, Meg, this is brilliant! Seriously this is such an important topic and we need to open up about that. I will definitely Talk about that with my younger sister. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences with us, I highly appreciate you and your work!
    Sending you lots of love xx

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