You know what safe sex is, right?
No glove = No love.
Well, it might not be that simple.
Yes, throwing on a condom is likely to protect us from falling pregnant or contracting STD’s, but what it won’t protect us from are the less tangible dangers of sex. Yep. the ones that we aren’t warned about in school or by our parents. The ones that don’t seem to warrant a mention in sex ed campaigns or in the media. The ones that although subtle, still carry very harmful effects.
I’m talkin’ of the emotional kind.
So despite how safe you you think you may be each time you jump between the sheets, I’d like you to think again.
What is emotionally safe sex?
Well, first let’s define what emotionally unsafe sex is. It…
- Leaves you feeling guilty, used and depressed,
- Occurs when you’re afraid to voice your desires/ feelings, and
- Is motivated by a sense of lack/ neediness ( To fill the emptiness or “achieve”) or obligation ( “Its what he expects from me”)
In a society where women so often equate their sex life (or relationship status) with their self-worth – this kind of sex is rampant. As a 20-something, I see it all around me (and have experienced my fair share of these types of encounters myself).
We are under the illusion that any sense of emptiness or lack we may feel can be “filled in” by something external to us, say like… that gorgeous 6ft+ man over by the bar. We convince ourselves that if only he moseyed on over, bought us a drink then whisked us away to night of (insert favourite sexual fantasy here), we would be happy, that that aforementioned emptiness would cease to exist.
But if you think sex is your gateway to feeling LOVE and/or FULFILMENT…think again!
I know (from experience), no matter how good-looking the guy, that this kind of mind-set only leaves one feeling icky. This is sex motivated by expectation. This is sex born out of lack. This is sex driven completely by the ego.
And it’s freaking dangerous!
So if you’re partaking in any form of sex that has you feeling less than fantastic, if you’re having it in order to “get” a certain something or to boost your self-esteem (And I ask you to get pretty damn honest with yourself her!)….well guess what? You’re going in UNPROTECTED!
SIDE NOTE: This isn’t restricted to those ladies dabbling in one-night stands. Unprotected sex can occur in relationships too. If we aren’t expressing our desires completely, if we are having sex out of obligation and not inspiration or if we are using it as a tool to get more of what we want – this is all unprotected.
So, what is emotionally safe sex?
Emotionally safe sex is that with a partner you feel comfortable with, done within an environment in which you feel inspired to express yourself openly, honestly and authentically.
It is sex that does not lead to guilt.
It is sex of the body, not the mind.
It is sex not motivated by neediness or expectation (eg. If I sleep with him NOW, he’ll fall in love with me and we’ll be together forever!).
It is sex which intensifies a bond between two (or more) people.
It is sex founded on inspiration not obligation.
It is sex with one mutually exclusive goal – to feel good.
But even beyond all this, it is sex that is sacred. Much like any other spiritual practice, this kind of sex holds the ability to bring us closer to Source, gifting us a beautiful opportunity to taste our own Divinity.
Yep, this sex is the sex you wanna be having!
How to have emotionally safe sex
Now, like I said, not all my sexual encounters have been safe. In fact, more often than not I’ve held back, I’ve stifled my desires, I’ve not been spurred by inspiration. But on the times where I have…it’s been incredible!
So, now I’m committing to having MORE emotionally safe sex.
And because I wish you to do the same, here are a few tips on how you can protect yourself in the bedroom.
1. Speak up
This is the part I find most difficult! In a society where we as women have, for a very long time, been conditioned to suppress our sexual desires, it’s no surprise so many of us find this incredibly uncomfortable. Rarely do we find ourselves even able to verbalise our desires when asked, let alone initiate sex talk.
But whether it be with a one-night stand-er or a long term lover, communication is incredibly important. Being open about what you wish to get out of the experience ensures your are emotionally protected and are having your desires met. It’ll get you out of your head and into your body. It’ll allow you to surrender to the moment and actually experience all there is to experience.
Also, according to the Law of Attraction the clearer and more expressive we are about what we want the more likely we are to actually experience it. So getting clear on what you desire will only lead you to better, more mind-blowing sex.
2. Ease off the booze
When we are intoxicated we lose connection with our Truth. We forget that we are indeed whole and that everything we desire lies within us. And when we forget this truth we are very quick to fall into the trap of believing only things external to us (like that gorgeous 6ft+ beauty at the bar) can fill us up.
So, my lovely little party girl, watch what you drink. Instead of 4 tequila shots, maybe tone it back to one. Instead of that entire bottle of wine, maybe just make it a glass or two. We wouldn’t want you forgetting that everything you desire comes from within, would we?
3. Respect yo’ self
When you know your true worth you cease seeking to be fulfilled, whether that be through sex, drugs, TV, food or your relationships. When you have a deep-seated respect for yourself, you know (right on down to your pinky toe) that you are already full. You know that you have access to all that your desire within. And you know that anything outside of this is simply there to enrich your life, not to MAKE it.
So, cultivate more self-love in your life and you won’t ever have to fear morphing into the crazy girl who’s oh-so-desperate to be laid.
4. Only do “it” if it feels good
Don’t have sex for attention, or to capture a potential partner. Don’t have sex to impress or because you think it’s expected. Only have sex if you feel inspired to. Only have sex if it feels good. Doing this will guarantee emotionally safe sex. Every. Single. Time.
Now go forth and have great sex. But remember…