This post is part of the ‘This Is Radiance’ blog series to celebrate the launch of She Is Radiant: Your 6-Week Wellness Adventure To Get Glowy & Feel Rad by Claire Baker. This eBook is the ultimate guide to figure out what foods and lifestyle choices work best for you and your unique body to get you glowing and feeling rad. An opportunity to create real space in your life for nourishment, mindfulness and creativity and a chance to engage in self care, experiment, expand and find clarity in the confusion. Join the She Is Radiant movement by snapping up your copy here.
“Can I please have your attention? Girlfriend, the amount you weigh is purely a numerical reflection of your relationship with gravity and it is never going to determine anything of substance in your life. True story.”
When I read this little nugget of pure magic in Claire Baker’s eBook, “She is Radiant”, every little part of me seemed to scream…
They were the exact permission I needed, to say “Fuck You” to the scales FOREVER.
Let’s Time Travel, Shall we?
My body and I, we’ve not always gotten along so well.
It was four years ago, to be exact, when our relationship was at it’s most destructive.
I would deprive her of food, often rationing her only one meal a day. A mandarine, an apple, just a lil’ somethin’ to get her through.
She would always be screaming, crying and aching for nourishment. She was prone to falling and dizzy spells. And she was always cold. So very, very cold.
I would subject her to regular weigh-ins, to gauge her progress. Her lifeless body would stand there, everyone of her cells screaming for a good result so they might just be fed. So they might just be nourished.
But the thing is when you’re playing on the scales, there is never a good result. There is no end goal. The number can always be smaller.
So the destruction continued no matter the number on the scales. I kept depriving my body of food and she kept screaming for me to stop, sending me signs at every corner. Dizzy spells. Black outs. Sore bones. Frozen extremities. She pulled out her whole arsenal of defence. But still I waged war.
But our relationship wasn’t always so toxic. I used to be pretty damn good to her. Feeding her generously. Listening to her patiently. However, on leaving high school and entering the big-wide world everything seemed to change. Going from a place where I was constantly encouraged and praised, to an environment where I was to fend for myself…
I freaked the fuck out.
I felt like I was drowning. The uncertainty and newness of it all had me lost, confused and anxious. I craved control.
So I turned to her, my body, and made her my submissive. I could easily control what I gave to her and what I did to her. And I could predict the outcome. Less food = weight loss. Yes, I would have some certianty back. Ahhhh life would be better, I thought. .
But I was wrong.
Life got fucking awful.
In an attempt to control, I lost all control. I subconsciously gave every ounce of my power away.
The scales came to dictate my whole entire happiness.
Every little ounce of my self-esteem was based on the number staring back at me. On days I lost weight or someone mentioned I looked skinny (even if it was out of concern), I was proud of myself. This was my motivation. This was what helped me block out the cries of my body, if only for a little while.
But even on these days, I would still cry. I would cry for my body. Her bones protruding through her skin. Her eyes dull and deprived. And I would cry for myself. My poor head, riddled with nothing but thoughts of food. Constantly in a state of anxiety, scared that I would succumb to the temptations around me. Scared that I would loose the control that I was under the illusion of having. I was lost and I sure as hell didn’t know how to get out of the hole I had dug myself.
I was just a super skinny, super sad girl obsessed by the scales.
But with an unbelievably supportive family and some “hired help” I started to step off the scales. I started to heal my relationship with my body. And I stopped feeling so lost.
I learnt that a battle with the scales, is a losing battle.
You always want the numbers to get smaller and smaller. You are never satisfied. There is no end goal, just a hunger for the numbers to dwindle, whilst your body does too. I learnt that they were not a place I liked to reside
Yes, I learnt all these things four years ago. But I’m still healing.
Every so often I find myself jumping back on the scales and allowing the numbers to influence my mood, my sense of self. I still feel guilty when I over eat or don’t exercise. And every so often when I feel a little down, a little lost, a little confused I find myself turning to my body, ready to get all tyrannical of her ass once again.
For me “skinny” used to be who I was. The number on the scales determined my character, my worthiness. And this belief is still ever-so slightly imprinted in my being. It’s hard to shake!
And that is why Claire’s words stopped me in my tracks. They reminded me of that girl. The very, very, very sad one. They made me realise that part of her still exists within me. And they gave her permission to get the fuck off the scales… for good!
Ms Claire Baker, I am forever grateful!
It’s time to take back the power
I don’t share this story with many people. In fact it’s a time in my life I hardly think back to ( and as a result quite a few tears were shed writing this Baby!)
However I share it now because I think it holds insight. I share it now because I want you to know that the scale is a trap. You are so much more than the number that appears on the screen.
You are infinite. You are divine. YOU ARE RADIANT.
It’s time to flip the bird to the scales.
It’s time to take back your power.
And if you need a little help doing so, I could not recommend “She is Radiant” enough.
* As a (proud) affiliate of “She is Radiant” I receive a certain percentage of the sales made from my links. But please note I only endorse products or services I am 100% crazy about! And this one is pretty damn spectacular, Baby!